Census take two

My wife has pointed out to me something that she felt was a vitally important flaw in my reasoning. And then as wives are wont to do she pointed it out three more times just in case I should have missed it the first time she said it (as husbands are wont to do). It would appear that the person living in the house must in fact be a relation of mine or hers. And so I must thank those of you who have sent applications or were planning on sending applications for your generosity and self sacrifice on behalf of another but I can not accept them at this time. A date for coffee might; however, prove quite nice.

That having been said I have been forced to come up with another plan which hinges on what I suspect is a loophole in our legal definitions. And so my thinking has gone something like this. You see it is amazing what they are doing with technology these days. In the old days if you wanted to create a family member, why mom and dad went out to the cabbage patch and picked a head of lettuce that they then paid a stork to deliver and wah-lah, baby in nine months time with a little luck. This child was a relative. Now a days if you would like to increase your family by one you can go on down to the local sperm bank and choose all the important parts like hair color, eye color, gender, what college they'll go too and whether or not they like their peanut butter with mayonnaise. Then you'll get a call from the lab about 9 months later and you can go and pick up your child who is now a relative.

My problem is that April 1st is a little closer than 9 months away. Never fear though I have two things going for me. First I am a highly educated English Major. It's true. I have a peace of paper tells me so. It's under that stack of magazines right over there. Second I'm German by heritage.

And so I did what all highly educated English Majors do when I'm not sure what to do. I whined, cried, wrote a blog post about it, and then tried to forget who I am and what was going on by reading a book. And of course as a highly educated English Major I happen to have the works of a very famous couple about my house. The most well known would be Byron Shelley who was a renowned poet. However, on this occasion I happened to pick up a work by his wife Mary Shelley who did an excellent little story about a German scientist.

Well it was as if the heavens parted and sun rained down just for me. I knew what I had to do even before I had finished the book and so I set off to write an add for Craigs list.

Wanted: Human body parts - all shapes and sizes welcome.
Will pay cash provided they are delivered prior to April 1st.
Body parts must be without legal owner.

And oh my how the responses came pouring in. At this rate I may even be able to pay the census man his interest should I be late in the completion of my endeavour. Now all I need is to quickly teach myself how to sew and to make a large enough hole in my roof to allow for the needed lightning strike.